I think I might be in perimenopause. I am suffering from really bad anxiety, I get tearful and depressed one day, then happy the next. I’ve always had some social anxiety and I suspect I have ADHD, autism, or a combination. At the least, I have a lot of traits in common with those conditions. My eldest has strong indicators of ADHD and Autism and my youngest is on the SEN register at school as he’s behind where he should be despite having extra help. I’m not sad – I’m actually very happy with my life. I think! I love my husband, I just got the house extension done that we’ve been wanting to do for years, the children are more independent and growing into wonderful human beings and I enjoy my freelance work. My nursing job is improving as I gain more confidence in my role and it’s only part-time. We do have some financial worries, like everyone our energy bills have gone up and all the spending from last year has caught up with me plus a bigger tax bill than I anticipated came in January and it’s left me playing catchup. I’m determined that isn’t happening next year.
A few weeks ago I started dreaming of an escape route, a simpler life, I needed to get away. I thought about going to a friend’s for the weekend or something similar. We were planning to go on holiday altogether this year, but it had to be canceled because there was no way we could afford it. I still have 2 weeks of leave booked in August, and I had a seemingly selfish idea of going away for a few days by myself. I started browsing Airbnb to just take a look at what was available for 1, could I do it? It was relatively cheap for one person to go away. I wanted to go and write, just be, just breathe and listen to nothing. My mood was low. I felt I had nothing to look forward to. Yes, I know in the grand scheme of things I’m incredibly lucky. We’re all healthy, we have food, a roof over our head which is a very nice roof, and enough money to have food when we want it and some luxuries. I have a supportive family and friends. Even with all those things, my feelings are still valid. If you’re in a similar position, try not to feel guilty for feeling down or anxious, no matter your situation. There will most likely always be someone in a worse position than you in life, and that doesn’t make your feelings less valid. Allow yourself to feel them at that moment. If you can see a way out, do it, or if you just need some time to process, then take it.
As the idea took hold inside my brain, I broached the subject with my husband. He was away for the night on a training course and we had a chat over facetime. I think that helped, him not being there, for me to feel confident in talking about it. He was supportive of me doing it, which I thought he would be. Although he leaves his dirty laundry on the floor and puts the toilet roll on the wrong way round, he is wonderfully understanding. I also wanted to get permission and understanding from the children. Phoebe and William said no problem straight away, but Daniel the youngest (7 at the time of writing) said No! I said maybe for just 4 nights – he said two nights would be ok. I know he still needs me a lot but I know he’ll be fine and I’ll stay in touch.
Once I had the go-ahead (sort of), I started looking at properties in earnest and for a few weeks, I had a shortlist that kept changing as did my favourites. I really liked the idea of a shepherd’s hut, they are as it sounds, an old shepherd’s hut that has been converted into a dwelling. They are either ones that have been on a farm already, or they are bought externally and then placed on site. The ones I was looking at were then decorated inside with a kitchenette and their own bathrooms. I wanted it to be remote but still have Wifi, purely because I need to have internet access for my blog work and research for my book. That may seem to be a conflict of interests but on Airbnb, you can filter properties by type and amenities as well as location and price. I had such great fun choosing. I’m not going to put the exact location I chose just in case there are any crazy stalkers reading that decide to come and see me when I go, but this one was a very close second. I only discounted it in the end because it was at the bottom of someone’s garden and I wanted to be on my own a bit more. The inside was perfect, even down to the vape detector, and the decor was right up my street.
The one I’ve chosen is really lovely too and it is basically in a field of cows! I’ll be posting on my social media when I get there and throughout, so make sure you’re following me @lifeandthelords. I have planned out how I will use my time writing and relaxing, but even if I don’t achieve what’s on my list, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. If I need time to sleep, rest and relax then I’m going to do it. The idea is to refresh myself physically and mentally and give my creativity room to fly.
If you’re considering a solo trip or break but you’re a wife and mother, ask yourself why not? What are the barriers in place? If it’s financial, go look at Airbnb or similar, can you stay with friends to save money, if it’s time then just go for a weekend if you can. I think doing something like this gives you the headspace to take stock and breathe mentally and you will come back refreshed and you will be a better wife and mother. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway, either that or I won’t come back! No, I will probably miss everyone like crazy after 2 days. A few years ago Mr. L and I went on holiday for 3 or 4 nights without the children to Corfu, it was lovely, but particularly at night, I had a visceral need to hold the children. Daniel was co-sleeping at the time and I felt his absence keenly although I was gagging for a good night’s sleep without him there. Go-figure.
I’m so looking forward to it and that’s part of the holiday process, isn’t it? Writing lists, getting excited, packing, all of it. It’s given me a real boost. I count my blessings daily that I have a supportive family, I can just about afford it, and that I feel empowered to do it. The last ten years since I started blogging really opened up my creativity and reminded me that at heart I am a creative person. I may not be good at art and drawing, but writing, graphic design, photography, and crafting are all areas I can excel in, and I need an outlet. I’ll always be a nurse and have an interest in health and women’s health but I need that creative outlet, it’s part of me. Since planning and booking my little getaway, I’ve felt much better. Nothing has really changed, but taking control like this and doing something just for me makes all the difference.
