I still bed share with my 7 year old

Shock horror! Let me start by reassuring you in a couple of ways. This is not going to be a post that tells you the benefits of bed-sharing with the entire family and that you should really be doing it too otherwise you don’t love your kids enough. In contrast, this is not a post asking for help on how to get him out and into his own bed – well, partially it is? Maybe a mixture of the two, or somewhere in between?

I’m not making much sense, so let’s start with a bit of background. Daniel, the 7-year-old in question is my fourth child and my third living child. My first child (now passed away) was a terrible sleeper and it was only when she became progressively disabled due to her condition (Tay Sachs Disease) that we got some sleep. My second and third children were much better and slept great, had no problem going in their own beds at night, and slept through quite early on. I thought I’d cracked this parenting lark and I thought Amy must have been different because she had a hidden condition as a baby.

Then I had my last child. My other two by now were 4 and 3. They shared a room at the time, and the box room was meant for the baby. I thought I was prepared with a bedside crib attached to our bed so I could ease him into it. He was a small baby at birth and had to be in special care for a few days due to By the evenings I don’t think I had much milk left and he would be very unsettled. The only way we could get any sleep was to bed share. It was partly intentional as I had read up on the benefits and how to co-sleep safely. It meant there wasn’t much crying at night and everyone got some sleep.

As he grew I tried to get him to at least sleep in the bedside crib. Newsflash, I didn’t have much success! So being a busy mum of three having to get up for the school run, I just ended up going for the easy route and carried on bed-sharing. He was also a very unsettled baby unless he was being held, so I had a baby carrier and he lived in that for about 5 months. I still have that baby carrier for sentimental reasons. Even though I struggled with him, having him so close to me when he was a baby made our bond really close.

At around 3-5 months, I tried gentle and not so gentle methods to try and get him to ‘self-settle.’ I had some success, but I wasn’t consistent enough. He was very determined shall we say, and rather than having our whole evening/ night taken over by crying and trying to settle him, the easy route won out. We also had the others to consider, and they needed their sleep too.

To get him to sleep I would breastfeed him, then if we were lucky we could transfer him to the crib or our bed for a bit and have some peace before he next woke up. I ended up breastfeeding him until he was almost 5 – something I never thought I would end up doing and far longer than I fed the others. It was just the easiest way to get him to sleep, he only did it once a day and for a few minutes. We only stopped because first I thought it was time and secondly, he would just have a few sucks, say finished, and then not even go to sleep so I didn’t think there was much point.

We then moved to try and get him to sleep without the breast. I would cuddle him to sleep downstairs until he went to sleep, then one of us would carry him up to his bed. He would sleep part of the night in his bed, then when he woke up, he would come into bed with us and go back to sleep. If I didn’t go back to sleep by the time he did, I’d put him back, but most of the time that didn’t happen. Because he was older, he would just come into the room, sneak into bed, and half the time I didn’t even notice, just woke up in bed with him there. This happened from a young age. This is how we ended up still bed-sharing!

Our current situation at 7 and a half is that he goes to bed when I do at 9 pm, we have a cuddle and I watch TV in bed (usually QI, I like to think it’s educational for him and it helps me relax). He goes to sleep pretty quickly. His bedroom is upstairs and he’s quite heavy so I often leave him in bed with me, then my husband comes upstairs later, I’ve usually gone to sleep and he puts Daniel in bed. Again, at some point in the night, he will come downstairs like a little homing pigeon and get in bed between us.

What about sex? Well, it’s a rarity I must admit, but we do squeeze it in occasionally, either in the mornings, the evening before bed, or sometimes during the night. We do get some nights where he doesn’t come into our bed during the night and those are glorious.

Why don’t we do something about it? Well, for several reasons. Mainly, I am lazy. I go for the easy option. We have tried insisting he goes to sleep in his own bed. When we did our extension and he got his own room, the idea was he was supposed to sleep in it! We put the Alexa in his room and he would listen to stories on it. The trouble is, he doesn’t go to sleep – he just stayed up listening to stories, and then when I went to bed, he came downstairs and still got in bed with me. He now has a TV in there and it is the same issue. We did insist for a little while, but of course, he didn’t like it, and he began to get scared and cry at bedtime. He would cry for a long time, disturbing the others. We reassured him of course, and I didn’t leave him to cry on his own. I was then getting tired and no one was happy hearing him crying so we’ve ended up back in our old habits. Part of me enjoys the cuddles we have at night and our little conversations.

Maybe when he is 8, he will go to bed in his own room? What do you think?! I feel like no one else is in the same situation, but there must be others, it seems like a taboo topic. Please let me know if you are in the same boat.

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