Warning: this is going to seem like a very existential and moany post. Or maybe me writing that sentence is, in fact, evidence of me having imposter syndrome! I’ll let you decide, please let me know in the comments or on social media (@lifeandthelords) if you feel the same way. I know most people at one time or another feel like they are doing a job but they don’t feel as confident as they should.
What is imposter syndrome?
Impostor syndrome refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. While this definition is usually applied to intelligence and achievement, it has links to perfectionism and the social context. Do people think you are the perfect parent, but you feel like you’re just winging it?
In simple terms, imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a phony – you feel as though at any moment you are going to be found out as a fraud and like you don’t belong where you are, and you only got there through luck. It can affect anyone no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.
The term was first used by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. When the concept was introduced, it was originally thought to apply mostly to high-achieving women. Since then, it has been recognized as more widely experienced amongst both sexes.
I changed jobs in September last year, I work part-time as a practice nurse in a GP surgery. Before that, I was working in a nursing home for 3 and a half years and before that, I took a break from nursing and built up my blog. Before that, I was a Midwife for 13 years. I started out as a Nurse back in 2001 and worked on a gynaecology ward for a year before I did my Midwifery training. So I have over 20 years of experience as a Nurse and Midwife (apart from having 4 babies, maternity leave). I’ve worked part-time for most of that, so I feel like I don’t have as much experience as someone who has worked full time for that length of time. That’s my background experience.
When I started in the nursing home I hadn’t worked as a nurse for a long time, 14 years or so, and I felt very out of my depth. I got the hang of the basics pretty quickly and I remembered my nurse training and experience. I discovered a love of nursing again and I really enjoyed looking after the elderly, giving them dignity and care at the end of their life. It was a big change from Midwifery and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it, but I did. I started off doing two 12 hour shifts a week, working every other weekend. It was really tough physically, I wasn’t used to it. I stuck with it, until 2 years ago when I suffered from a bout of neuritis in my right arm that somehow spread to my legs and I ended up having trouble walking. I had to go off sick for a couple of months. I did go back but only 1 day a week, so one 12 hour shift. I then made it a set day so I didn’t do weekends anymore. This suited me better and I was quite happy with this arrangement for the next 2 years, until someone newer and less experienced with me was going to leave, then agreed to stay with a pay rise and automatic promotion. This put my nose out of joint and made me look elsewhere.
I’d always wanted to be a practice nurse, but it seemed like the holy grail of nursing and like a fortress to get into. All the jobs advertised seemed to want experience, but none wanted to take on someone without experience. They also don’t come up that often. I figured I did have some relevant experience to apply, so I started applying for practice nurse jobs that fit in around the hours I wanted. After a few interviews and briefly considering going to another nursing home, I got my current job, at a GP practice not too far from me.
I had a little over 2 weeks with the practice nurse who was leaving and then I was let loose! I have done lots of e-learning and some face-to-face training. I am the only nurse in the practice, so I don’t have a colleague to check things with or bounce ideas off. I do have a very supportive practice manager, lovely receptionists, and an approachable GP partner, but I don’t get to see her too much. This is not a complaint about my workplace at all, more about how I feel – I hope by writing this I will discover that many others feel the same way in their working or personal life and to reassure others that they are not alone.
Now I am seeing patients on my own and at first, I was just thrown into it and felt very nervous about saying or doing the wrong thing. I am getting more confident and building my experience but I still have days of feeling like an imposter, like I don’t deserve to be there. But then I give myself a talking to, and remind myself of my experience, my years as a nurse, and my personal experience as a Mum, woman, and background health knowledge. Besides, in any job, we’re always learning and not meant to know it all. Wearing a uniform helps because people accept you as an authority figure and someone who knows what they are doing.
I’ve always looked younger than I am, although finally now at 45 I’m starting to look at least like I have some experience behind me (and some grey hair to boot). With masks though, a lot of people think I’m too young still! I’ve fought a lot of my working life to be taken seriously because many think that a young person can’t possibly be experienced enough. It’s taught me to always respect others and their knowledge and field of expertise. I’m the one who has done the training and work experience so they should take my guidance. I hasten to add I’m very grateful I look younger than I am, it’s a blessing, especially now. When I was younger not so much, I was always getting asked for ID and not taken seriously.
Being an imposter parent
The other area I feel like an imposter is motherhood. I remember when I had my oldest son William, he was in special care for nearly 3 weeks and we had to use the intercom to be let in. “It’s William’s Mum,” I would say, which felt like I was talking about someone else – the fact was I was indeed his Mum, but the reality hadn’t set in and I didn’t feel like a Mum. I don’t know when it kicked in that I was a Mum or when I started to feel like a ‘normal’ Mum. I still don’t now, but I do feel the most Mum ever. A lot of me still feels like a 25-year-old and still like a kid who needs their own Mum and Dad. I’m a different kind of Mum than my Mum was, and it took me a long time to make peace with that – I don’t think either way is right or wrong, they are just right for the person and the time. For a while, I thought I was failing as a mother because I wasn’t as good as my Mum was, but I was just doing it slightly differently, and not better or worse.
I used to look at the other school Mums or toddler group Mums and think – they have their shit together, they are so good at being parents, not like me, it doesn’t come naturally to me. But, they are probably looking around thinking the same thing! You never know what goes on in anyone’s head.
So, if you are feeling like any of this resonates, you are not alone. Perhaps there will always be that little voice in our heads that tells us we are no good or we could do better, but let’s give it a talking to and shut it away for a bit to give us some peace.
