I was going to talk today about my phobia of the dark and how it affects me less now than when I was younger, but then I started thinking about what I’m really scared of, and that is losing my children. I know it’s the same for most parents, that is their worst fear, but I believe it’s heightened for me because it already happened to me once. I know it can happen, I’ve lived that horrifying ordeal and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
My eldest daughter, Amy, died of Tay-Sachs Disease in 2009 just before she was due to turn 3. The worst bit was actually getting the diagnosis just after her 1st birthday. I’d known something was wrong as she wasn’t developing properly but we had no idea of the devastating diagnosis. We got the news she had a life limiting disease that would progressively worsen whilst we were in hospital with her having tests. I had to be by myself due to the eye doctors getting too excited when they found changes.
When you’ve been through that sort of trauma and your worst fears are realised you never really get over it. Losing her was hard and I was upset for weeks afterwards. I suffer from PTSD because of it, and not really dealing with it at the time.
Aside from the fear when my children were babies of cot death and meningitis scares, I was terrified over a lot of things. That fear has lessened slightly as they’ve got older – they are now 13, 11 and 7 – but it’s still there. Every morning I prepare myself for finding them dead in their beds even though the risk is miniscule. If the older ones are late walking home, I prepare for hearing they’ve been knocked down or kidnapped. It’s an awful way to live really but it’s also a kind of self preservation I think.
Daniel had a painful neck this past 2 days and I’ve been so scared he had meningitis, although he has no other signs and he says it’s better now. I can reassure myself and rationalise but it doesn’t go away, it’s constant.
I realise this post is rather dark, but I hope by talking about it that I can help others in the same position feel like they aren’t alone.
It is no surprise you worry and feel like that, although my losses were nothing like what you went through, I do understand how you feel and your worrries I am the same. Thank you for sharing and opening up how you are feeling
I appreciate your honest post. Being vulnerable can help someone during their journey.
Sending love and hugs to you. It’s no wonder you worry. Losing our kids is any parents fear but even more so for you. x
I am so sorry you experienced this and the trauma that you deal with every single day. It is every parents worst nightmare and you had to life through it!
I can’t imagine having gone through what you went through, losing your daughter at nearly 3. It’s heartbreaking and I send lots of love. xxx It’s completely understandable that you worry in this way, bless you. My son is officially classed as life-limited and because his heart can’t be fixed, his care is classed as palliative. We are so lucky and he is now 19, but I am now greedy and I want him forever. He is doing really well at the moment. But the fear translates to all the kids and when school ring or when one of them is poorly, I have huge anxiety. It’s horrible, isn’t it? I try to enjoy the time we have as the family we are now but that fear constantly sits with me. Lots of love xxx
PTSD is really underestimated on the effect it has on your life. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child but it’s one of my biggest fears too. With two children who have life threatening problems I have been the one creeping around in the middle of the night to check they are still alive. My eldest is now in her 30s but I still have to check in on her with texts and panic if she doesn’t reply. I understand your fear even though I’ve never been through it. xx
Sending big hugs your way. Oh gosh. It takes so much courage to speak about child loss, and this post is going to help others it reaches. I can absolutely see how you would have a much more heightened sense of worry now. You are so brave. #Blogtober22 xx
The fear of something happening to my kids is so real. Obviously, when something did happen to one of them and I never saw her again, it makes it so real. And you become even more protective. So I know exactly where you are coming from with this blog post. You kind of see health problems that are not there and you think they are in danger all of the time. Sending my love to you. xx